When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
You Might Also Like
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
a lot to unpack here
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.