Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Oops I deleted….
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.