“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Stop.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps