*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.