NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
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People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt