aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
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[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Can Happiness buy money?
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*