Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
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I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
tis the season
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
reviewed some movies recently
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.