[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.