me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog