Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Hell yeah 👍
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Hey i am sexy to you now
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Education is vital
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans