No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
SF is the wild wild west man
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush