thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
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A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
それは草
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
How times have changed.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it