“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Lmbo
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*