There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I can’t deal with men any longer
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.