every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
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I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
#parenting
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My life in a nutshell
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
this is the news I live for
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right