My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I’m not proud
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.