i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
*performs CPR on the turkey*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
No chill.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid