Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
2022: I can fix it
Bootstraps