If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
no such thing as a dumb question
NOT all policemen are strippers.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends