When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
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Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Storm Tropical Storm
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
LOOOOOOL
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
ok this is my dumbest yet
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
wait.
How actors in movies eat their food
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to