ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
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“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
figuring out my emotional availability:
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me irl
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”