The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
What?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock