I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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me linking you to my twitter
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb