*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.