A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
And bowling should be called pinball
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*