Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
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Social distancing in Australia:
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
*bites zombie*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Order here:
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.