The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
FRED: right
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head