[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
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