I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
You Might Also Like
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
bad news gang
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.