WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
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Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
The booster protects against what, now?
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
for all #parents out there
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
True
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.