My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
mom had nothing to worry about
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.