Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Note to self: I am a note
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried