If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
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Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.