1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Ken is short for chicken
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.