harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Tastes like chicken.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire