I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
You Might Also Like
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I want what they have
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
hmm conte-me mais
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*seductively corrects your posture*