[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.