When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past