Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time