My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
don’t be scared
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?