I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
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Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Boy never ceases to amaze me
This kid is going places
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14