Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
#catsoftwitter
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.