“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
You Might Also Like
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.