[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.