My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
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[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
You deplete me
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
ouch
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*