Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
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It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now