dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You Might Also Like
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
You’ll be OK
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.