date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
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If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
This is always good for a laugh.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius