30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died