*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
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ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.